INTERNET AND CELL PHONE SECRECY - Marriage Message #77

by Cindy and Steve Wright

"Ever since the Internet has become a regular part of the human experience, cyberspace has been implicated as an accomplice in online affairs, real life adultery, and the break-up marriages. With every new online fad have come the stories of spouses wandering away from their marriage to a new cyber love interest. Media has spotlighted trends of online affairs starting through chat rooms, MySpace, Second Life, web sites and online forums. Is Facebook, the world's fastest growing online social network, just another in a long list of cyber threats to your marriage?
"Having been active Facebook users for a while and experiencing the good, the bad, and the ugly of participating in an online social network, we recognize there are potential threats to your relationship. But the ultimate threat is not the latest technology ... it is the choices you make online and offline ... in cyberspace and real life" (K Jason Krafsky). To that we say AMEN, AMEN and AMEN! And we include cell phone and Internet use on that poor choice list.

We can't even BEGIN to tell you the number of related emails, testimonies, and postings on the Marriage Missions web site that we've heard and read where spouses are crying and screaming out because of the choices their partners are making which are destroying their marriages. It's almost at epidemic proportions. Most of these are good Christians who put a toe in the pool of temptation and then eventually dive in completely, afterward confessing, "I/we never meant for this to happen." Yet it did and it does. And as a result, innocent hearts are breaking.

There is SO much we could write on this subject, but we need to be brief. However, for those who have access to the Internet, we'll have additional info on this topic posted in this Message on our web site at www.marriagemissions.com. This is a wake-up call; we MUST protect our marriages from the sneakiness and secrecy that is going on that is destroying relationships everywhere. We can't ignore that which is so insidious and pervasive!

In the great article, "Is Facebook a Cyber Threat to Your Marriage" by Jason and Kelli Krafsky (which we will have a link to on our web site), Jason tells of a sad experience, which led him and his wife to protect their marriage. He then wrote, "In the final book of the Old Testament, Malachi 2 talks about setting up a protective perimeter around the covenant relationship, 'And what does he want from marriage? Children of God, that's what. So guard the spirit of marriage within you. Don't cheat on your spouse. 'I hate divorce,' says the God of Israel... 'I hate the violent dismembering of the 'one flesh' of marriage.' So watch yourselves. Don't let your guard down. Don't cheat' (The Message).

"One of the boundaries we set up as a perimeter around our relationship is that neither of us will be alone with someone of the opposite sex. Not because we're worried about the other cheating, but to avoid the appearance of impropriety or being caught in a potential he/she said situation. We've heard too many stories of how an accusation (some true, some false) has tarnished a reputation or ended a career. Being active Facebookers, we've adopted our real life set of boundaries for our online world with Facebook friends."


Jason went on to give "Five Ways to Diffuse the Cyber Threats to Your Marriage." There is more in the article but here is his shortened list: "(1) Set Safeguards With Your Mate - Discuss with your mate: What FaceBook friends and groups are inbounds or out-of-bounds? (2) Don't Post Negative Things About Your Spouse (3) Choose Your Friends Wisely (4) Play it Smart With Who You Talk With (5) If in Doubt, De-friend Them." Great boundaries!"


In another article titled, "Our Top Dozen Do's and Don'ts for Facebooking Couples" which Jason and Kelli posted on their Marriage Junkie.com web site, they give the following list (with added details in their article): What Every Facebooking Couple Should DO to Protect Their Marriage! - Create boundaries to protect yourself, your spouse and your marriage.. - Set your relationship status to Married and keep it that way. - Update each other on your FB Friends and Friend Requests. - Share your username and password with another. - Make your spouse the topic of your Status Updates at least once a week. - Be prepared to talk offline about online issues."


And then there is "What Every Facebooking Couple Should NOT DO to Protect Their Marriage! - (DON'T) Write cutting remarks or negative statements about your spouse. - (DON'T) Friend exes, old flames, past flings, former crushes or anyone you've been intimate with in the past. - (DON'T) Lose track of how much time you spend on Facebook. (DON'T) Report that you or your spouse is out of town. - (DON'T) Have private chat sessions with people of the opposite sex. - (DON'T) Let Facebook be a distraction during your time with your mate."


As you look at the lists above most all of these principles can be applied to other Internet and Cell Phone activities. It's the secrecy matter and the poor choices that the spouses are making in HOW they use their time and WITH WHOM, which threatens peace and sanctity in marriages today.


"Thanks to cell phones, we can always reach out and touch someone. But, is that touch a caress or a slap? When we need them, cell phones can literally be a lifesaver. At other times, they create an unwelcome interruption" (Lynn Jordan). Isn't that true? Cell phones can be a helpful or a disruptive communication tool. You can use them to connect or disconnect with each other. Feelings such as "you aren't paying attention to me" or "you prefer spending more time on your phone instead of with me" can arise. And then there's the whole "private" thing where calls can be made and/or taken in secrecy. Some spouses keep cell phones to themselves, warning that they're "off limits" to their mate (or purchase them without letting their wife/husband know).

Again, we refer to something Jason wrote: "Keep in mind the words from Hebrews 13, 'Honor marriage, and guard the sacredness of s-xual intimacy between wife and husband. God draws a firm line against casual and illicit s-x" (The Message).

"While Facebook is becoming one of the most popular gathering places on the Internet, it doesn't have to be a threat to your marriage [and neither do cell phones]. Marriages are vulnerable to all kinds of online and real-life threats because the couples have failed to set up proper boundaries of protection and accountability.

"And while nothing is completely foolproof, these principles are practical tips to help you protect your most important and cherished relationship. Ultimately, it is up to you to make good decisions and wise choices and to have open lines of communication with your mate... whether you're online or not."

If you're considering marriage, PLEASE discuss this issue NOW to make sure you're both in agreement as far as the boundaries you will put into place to protect your marriage. Marriage is to be lifetime commitment lived together with God, so make sure you're uniting yourself with an honorable partner who will openly work together with you in this mission. And if you're already married, PLEASE try to work with your spouse to protect your relationship now while you can, if you can. Bring things out in the open and keep them there. Trouble grows in darkness and secrecy. If your spouse WON'T work with you to protect your marriage and stop secrecy, pray, pray, pray and keep asking God for wisdom. You do and will need it!

May God help you in this important mission.
Cindy and Steve Wright

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