Are You a Black Man Basher?

Pic courtesy of bmia.files

An editorial commentary

Women supporting or fueling the negativity campaign against all Black men because of what some Black men have done lends to the Black on Black crime wave that has torn at the fabric of our homes and communities for far too long. This Basher mentality only keeps you a slave to the bonds of your rage and misguided mistrust. By forgiving and letting go (not being a sucker), you free yourself and open your heart and mind to true love.

Bashers are women whose overall opinion of Black men range from pitiful to downright inept. These types of women have been hurt badly or sadly disappointed or exploited in previous relationships and feel that by branding any and every man that is a mere clone of an ex that hurt them, they are protecting themselves from ever being hurt, abused, exploited or disappointed again. Sadly, they don’t see just how wrong they are.

As years go by, these women become martial arts experts at hitting below the belt with their acidic tongues. They believe they’ve empowered themselves by “keeping men in check” with their verbal jabs and tongue-lashings.

The sad reality is, they’ve just simply become man bashers who are keeping good brothers from loving them and no matter what man they’re with, he will be nothing more than an adversary versus a lover, no thanks to the bashers rock-solid-hard-to-shake belief that the typical Black man is only out to exploit and mistreat her.

She will develop a mentality of “Do it to him before he does it to me.” Bashers don’t give a man half of a chance to prove himself unworthy of a clean slate. They quickly assume that he is because “every other man I’ve loved was,” then arm themselves for a preemptive attack. Their arsenal? Toxic attitudes, acidic tongue-lashings, frosty payback tactics, petty head-games and condemning comments.

Bashing has such great appeal for certain women because it has anger and indignation at its core. Paying a brother back, putting him in check or hitting him where it hurts can make you feel powerful when, in fact, you’re actually really weak. But it’s temporary and false sense of power and control that will eventually yield to a painful and sometimes embarrassing reality check by, none other than, a brother who is fed up with the condemnation and acidic view point you hurl at him or other undeserving brothers.

Once the fed-up brother has felt the wrath of your misdirected acidic rants, he responds in kind, matching you insult for insult and blow for blow. He’s as ruthless as you and just as good at it.

When the fed-up, undeserving brother retaliates the Basher uses that to conclude that her low opinion of Black men was right from the outset. But the reality is that your relentless, misdirected bashing triggered that very behavior you resent most from Black men. The truth be told…but not for your bashing, he was unlikely to have ever gone there.

Think about it: when you’re on an anger filled rampage and have the quiet attention of the male your “putting in check” (bashing), you fell strong and therefore safe, but deep down, you’re acting that way because you’re hurting and don’t want to be or appear vulnerable.

Pic courtesy of rlv.zcache.com

Bashers are on a hunt for what they believe is justice and find it easy to go overboard and end up not only alienating men but women too if they do not support their vigilante, back-street bashing techniques.

The problem with the Basher is her seething, uncontrolable anger over the accumulation of actual or supposed slights, rejection, unloving behavior from some Black men have now spilled over onto all Black men. Your rage gives you this temporary and false sense of power and feeling powerful makes you feel strong and secure. By bashing you get the momentary satisfaction of “justice” being served, but you never find the long-lasting satisfaction that comes from relationships of mutual respect, approval, true intimacy or balance.

Many bashers long for a fantasy relationship with a man who is apologetic and basically surrenders to your every whim and he’s just intimidated enough by you to give you respect and reverence, but not the kind of respect and reverence that comes from a loving partner, rather that which comes from a semi-reformed convict to his parole officer.

You really want him to be a little afraid of you and the potential your wrath has. It makes you feel powerful and in control, but you never achieve the true love you actually seek.

Unless a Basher commits to an attitude adjustment (and in some extreme cases, therapy) she will never find the love she claims to be seeking. She will always find herself alone and yearning all the while using the excuse that she can’t find a “decent Black man” because she’s “too strong, successful, independent and real.” How many of us are either guilty of using these terms daily or know someone who does?

The reality is she’s just too… much of a headache, too worrisome and too insecure of a person for anyone to invest the time needed to rehab her. Taking deliberate actions to heal the rift that lies between a basher, her memories and delusions and the reality of a situation may seem too much like surrender to the basher. She sees it as a direct benefit to a Black man and she will retreat because she feels by doing so, she is disregarding herself. Sad, huh?

The only way a Basher will rehab is if she admits that she has serious issues with some men and has allowed that to overflow onto all men. Yes, some Black men will make mistakes. Some will exhibit faults, bad habits and traits you loathe at times. But look for the good where it’s due. Work to get in touch with men’s positive and appealing characteristics. Do this for your sake not just his. Do it to free yourself from the bondage of your rage and excessive mistrust…or risk finding yourself alone, bitter and misguided.


YOU’RE A BASHER OR HAVE BASHER TENDENCIES IF YOU…

FIND RELATIONSHIPS WITH BLACK MEN TO BE MORE LIKE COMPETITIONS WITH AN OPPONENT WHO MUST BE HELD IN CHECK

HAVE DIFFICULTY ACCEPTING ANY RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE DEMISE OF ANY OF THEIR PAST RELATIONSHIPS

RESENT IT WHEN MEN ARE TURNED OFF BY THEM, BUT SUSPICIOUS WHEN MEN ARE ATTRACTED TO THEM

HANDLE REJECTION WITH VINDICTIVE, PETTY RESPONSE THAT LEADS TO STALKING, LIES AND ENDLESS HOUNDING

TAKE PLEASURE IN POITING OUT A MANS INADEQUECIES, FLAWS AND ENJJOY SEEING HIM HUMILIATED WHEN WRONG

YOU SOMETIMES DAYDREAM ABOUT CONFLICT SITUATIONS WHERE YOU PUT A MAN IN HIS PLACE

YOU BEOME ANGRY WHEN A WOMAN DOES NOT AGREE WITH OR CO-SIGN YOUR SHARP CRITISIM OR DISPARAGING REMMARKS ABOUT BLACK MEN

YOU BELIEVE MEN “NEED” A WOMAN TO “MAKE” THEM DO THINGS OR NEED A WOMAN IN ORDER TO BE OKAY

YOU REQUIRE MEN TO JUMP THROUGH HOOPS IN ORDER TO BEFRIEND, DATE YOU…HOOPS YOU DO NOT JUMP THROUGH FOR THEM

YOU FIND IT HARD TO CONTAIN NEGATIVE FEELINGS TOWARDS ONE BLACK MAN BECAUSE HE REMINDS YOU OF ANOTHER THAT HURT YOU

YOU FREQUENTLY FID YOURSELF CHALLENGING MALE AUTHORITY FIGURES, FEELING COMPELLED TO TELLTHEM WHAT YOU “WON’T TAKE.”

YOU CAN BE FOUND MENTALLY REHEARSING LONG DETAILED SCRIPTS WHERE YOU’RE CONFRONTING & CHASTISING SOME ERRING BLACK MAN

YOUR CLOSEST MALE FRIENDS ARE EITHER HOMOSEXUAL, MARRIED OR IN SOME WAY AT A LOWER LEVEL THAN YOU (IN YOUR MIND).

YOU BELIVE MANY BLACK MEN OWE YOU IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER

YOU FIND YOURSELF FREQUENTLY ARGUING WITH BLACK MEN OR JUST GOING TOE-TO-TOE WITH BLACK MEN ON JUST ABOUT ANYTHING FOR ANY REASON.

If you answered yes to more than five of the above statements, you have some basher tendencies that can, and no doubt already do, hinder your life and relationships in general.