No matter who you're dating, if they're human, they just might have a few secrets in their past. Everyone is somewhat guarded about what they disclose to the new man or woman in their life until they're comfortable or feel like they have bonded with you and that's OK, so long as they're simply guarded and not secretive or evasive.
Some of us have secrets; some of us have a few skeletons, but (as Eddie Murphy once said) some of us have
cemetaries in our closets and that's just not cool. There are
secrets and then there are
secrets. All of us have a few things we would rather leave between ourselves and God. But there are some things we
must tell a new mate especially if we've become serious or plan to become serious. Any information or facts about ourselves that could do serious harm to a mate, new relationship or put others safety or emotional well-being in jeopardy
MUST BE DISCLOSED
.If you choose to lie about or hide important issues, don't blame anyone but yourself when the truth rears it's head (it always does) and things go sour.
Below are a few things that belong on the MUST TELL list:
HE/SHE IS ADDICTED TO DRUGS: PERSCRIPTION AND/OR STREET NARCOTICS - Some people say, "If it's green, don't be so mean. Take flight if it's white. And if they need a syringe, spoon, lighter, pipe or that thing to tie around their arm to make their vein pop out, RUN like a track star and tell them to get help or an audition for HBO's The Wire.
HE/SHE HAS A GAMBLING PROBLEM - Stay but only if they want to get help and make a concerted effort to get it. No, not a month from now, but straight away! Run if they are the type that nickels-and-dimes you to death (i.e. "I gave you two-dollars and it only cost $1.45...where's my change?") or they have asked to borrow an extremely large amount of money and are secretive about what it is for or their reason makes no real sense and they have no proof.
HE HAS A CHILD OR CHILDREN HE NEVER TOLD YOU ABOUT - Stay or walk depending upon their reason for not disclosing the presence of their lovely off-spring. Who knows? The kid could be an undercover mole for the CIA and they were only trying to protect their identity.
HE/SHE HAS HERPES/TREATED FOR SYPHILLIS AND NEVER BROUGHT IT UP
Walk! Especially if you asked or offered to get tested and they flat out lied or claimed they had nothing. This type of non-disclosure is unacceptable and should have been brought up long before any intimacy took place. If they won't tell you about one incurable STD, what other info would they fail to disclose that could bring you a lifetime sentence or maybe death? Lies like this or hiding things like this are true testaments of one's character. Heed the warning because when someone will expose you to deadly or incurable STD's, they're speaking volumes as to what they are truly about deep down inside.
Secondly, if you bring up the subject of STD's and they act non-chalant, don't even blink about the seriousness of the issue, be leery this could mean:
A. They already have something
B. They're too emotionally bankrupt to care
HE/SHE IS STILL INVOLVED WITH AN EX - Stay or walk depending upon the extent of their involvement with the ex. Obviously I don't mean the mother or father of their child(ren), but if they're still intimate or acting like they're dating, it time for you to step.If an ex is calling your new mate more than you are, there's a red flag to wonder about.If they're sneaking around in any way, run don't walk away. This is behavior that will not change.If they haven't deleted a profile from a singles website and you learn they're still taking emails from it, walk!
If they're initiating contact with others, buying or accepting gifts or money, make like Flo-Jo and leave them in your dust! If he's telling you that she's "just a friend" and she's actually a "friend with benefits" or "I love her as a person, but I'm not in love with her" RUN. This is drama waiting to happen.
HE/SHE IS ADDICTED TO PORN - If it's child porn (most definitely) or anything involving necrophilia, rape or S&M games you better run like Hell or just drive till you run the Hell out of gas. But not before checking your computer (if you let them use it) for evidence they were surfing sites.And if they were around your children/grandchildren ask questions, but either way, run. In the grand scheme of things, if it's just good old fashioned porn, make sure he's not addicted and doesn't spend hours surfing sites and masturbating -- especially if you're right in the next room!
HE/SHE HAS BEEN IN PRISON OR JAIL FOR ASSUALT OR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
As we know, in this day and age, some people use domestic violence as a whip to either pay someone back, gain leverage or just to be an outright jerk.
This is not always the case, so that's why you have to ask questions in relation to their arrest or incarceration.Stay or walk depending on who they assaulted and why:
- If they gave the boss a beat down after being terminated from the company that they worked for after ten years, and they let him/her go on their day off or at the end of a busy day, after the company became successful on his/her handwork and ideas and he/she was dedicated to the company - stay. Sounds like it was just a little temporary insanity.
- If he assaulted a guy at the club for stepping on his new doc martins and gave him a black eye, knocked out his teeth, or put him in a coma - RUN!
- If she stabbed an ex for leaving her, you might want to walk unless he was in the midst of attacking or raping her or she found out he was molesting one of the kids.
- If she dated him less than three months and you learn they were actually sex buddies and she caught feelings then flipped and decided to stab him upon confrontation - RUN!
- If he/she "met" someone over the internet and became nuts after they were rejected and began stalking them (cyber or physical) for any reason you MUST RUN!
Anyone that becomes so enthralled over an internet persona that they have NEVER MET or had ANY RELATIONSHIP with is either borderline personality, certifiably crazy or dealing with some serious emotional deficiencies that will only increase in severity later on.
- If he/she assaulted a cop over a traffic citation, walk. Everybody knows that when you hit a man or woman in uniform, who has a gun and the authority to lock you up you're asking for a beat down in addition to a jail stay, walk because he/she might be a little off their rocker.
- If he assaulted a woman, walk. I don't mean he held her to physically restrain her after she went berserk on him. I mean he beat her, put her in coma, gave her a concussion, black eye or worst. I know some of us women act like we're men and many times we will haul off and clock a man, but he should never hit us. Yes, I know that many of us know some women that deserve their butts whipped, but a man should never hit you. He should get his SISTER or AUNT to do it. Just Kidding
HE/SHE HAS BEEN UNEMPLOYED SEVERAL TIMES OR FOR TOO LONG In today's economy, it's easy to be laid off or lose your job due to down-sizing, but someone that shows very little effort in making headway to finding work needs to be let go. If they're leaving a-- creases on the couch from sitting or laying around all day, you might want to re-think having a relationship with them.
HE/SHE OBSESSES OVER AN EX OR SEVERAL EXES
You'll know the signs when you hear or see them. Enough said.
HE/SHE NEGLECTS OR ABUSES THEIR CHILDREN
If you meet a woman who dresses sharp, drives a nice car and seems to always have money for her nails and hair, but her children look like they have a mouth full of dice instead of teeth...run! If she neglects or abuses her children just imagine what she's going to do to you.
If he's driving a nice car, has money, the latest fashions along with jewelry yet his children look like survivors of a refugee camp, you really need to WALK! And if his children look bad or have atrocious manners and they're living with their mother and he sees this yet he hasn't made an attempt to obtain sole or at least domicile custody of the poor babies, that should tell you a lot about him!!If she leaves her children alone for long periods of time and they're not exactly old enough to be caring for smaller children, it's a sign that there are some issues.
CYBER OR PHYSICAL STALKER - If he/she has cyber stalked or physically stalked ANYONE for ANY reason other than molesting their child, murdering a loved one or they aren't a licensed private investigator. RUN! This person has serious issues.
HE/SHE LIED ABOUT THEIR NAME, AGE, JOB OR RELATIONSHIP STATUS
With an M.O. like this, they're hiding from more than you can imagine. Run! You don't want to be sitting on your couch one night and see your front door being kicked in by the local SWAT team with the crew from COPS or America's Most Wanted following behind them.
HE/SHE IS A DRUG DEALER OR HANGS AROUND THEM
Run! You are endangering yourself and any children you may have each time you step out with or open your front door for them. They might have all the bling and money, but you put yourself at risk for violence or even death.People like this will have rival gang members or drug consortiums pulling up next to your car pumping bullets in your throat or make you the victim of a home invasion. And worse case scenario (but very real), guilt by association for us minorities can earn you a federal mandatory sentence from anywhere to 10 to 15 years just for associating with them! It's not worth it.
HE/SHE IS MARRIED, "SEPARATED" OR OTHERWISE INVOLVED
I shouldn't have to go into detail with this one, but I will.
MARRIED: A married man/woman is already in a committed, full-time relationship so all you would be getting are the left-overs of their time.And anyone that will cheat with you (for ANY reason), will cheat ON YOU.
"SEPARATED": I placed that in quotation because oftentimes when people say they are separated they're not legally separated. For some of them, separated means they haven't seen their mate since breakfast or he/she is away on business or (for military personnel) they're deployed. They will be "separated" for however long their mate is away or unconscious or unaware or until you give it up (sex or goods). Then suddenly, Mr./Miss Wonderful and Mysterious will begin making like a magician and pulling disappearing acts. Beware!
INVOLVED: Some people will be dating but are still looking to meet others. They usually display the same characteristic traits as Mr./Miss Wonderful and Mysterious. Beware! And again, if he/she is involved with someone when you meet them but they're down to spend time with you or they're sneaking around to be with you, one day they'll do the same thing to you! Women are just as capable of doing this as men.
HE IS ON THE DOWN LOW
And he did NOT tell you this PRIOR to becoming intimate or forming a relationship. Any man that will endanger your health is not worth any of your time!
SHE IS BI-SEXUAL OR LESBIAN
And she did NOT tell you PRIOR to forming a relationship and becoming intimate. And if she was passing off her "best friend" or BFF as a platonic friend (this goes for men too) and you learn they were actually lovers, you need to walk. This type of trickery/dishonesty will NOT change. Imagine what else they have surreptitiously passed off on you
